<![CDATA[Beauty of Becoming - Be Happy]]>Fri, 24 May 2013 07:18:22 -0800Weebly<![CDATA[Put a Pin In It: How Acupuncture Therapy Can Help Mitigate Stress ]]>Sun, 24 Mar 2013 18:17:22 GMThttp://www.beautyofbecoming.com/11/post/2013/03/put-a-pin-in-it-how-acupuncture-therapy-can-help-mitigate-stress.htmlBy Stephanie Liverani Picture
I need help managing stress and anxiety. I’m not naturally someone who can let things roll off my back. I let my feelings stew; I allow concerns, irrational worries, what that rude lady in front of me in line at the coffee shop said yesterday all stream through my mind in a continuous loop. 

The problem with internalizing stress and not managing it is that stress manifests itself in physical ways. Have you ever had a rough meeting at work and felt that muscle between your shoulder blades ache with tension? That’s stress taking up residence in your body, rent-free. And stress doesn’t deserve such comfortable accommodations, especially at the expense of your health and wellbeing. 
Not to mention that, according to the Anxiety and Depression Association of America, 18 percent of the adult U.S. population is dealing with some level of anxiety. That means 40 million frazzled people in this country struggle with how to manage their stress levels and likely have an aspirin bottle within reach at all times.

The first step to managing stress is admitting that it’s a problem and you need help. What’s worked for me is acupuncture therapy. Seriously, folks: having multiple needles inserted into my body by a total stranger has abated my internal stress levels. Oh, you don’t believe me? Hear me out.

Acupuncture is an element of Traditional Chinese Medicine (TCM). It uses needles to manipulate and balance the natural energy of the body. It is based on the concept that channels — also known as “meridians” — of energy run in regular patterns throughout the body and over its surface. Obstructions or irregularities in energy flow can create imbalances in the body that lead to stress, pain, and disease.

By needling the acupuncture points on the body, the obstructions in those meridians become unblocked, improving energy flow and restoring biochemical balance. This stimulates the body's natural healing abilities, promoting physical and emotional health.

To prepare for an appointment, wear loose, comfortable clothing for easy access to acupuncture points. Don't come in on an empty stomach; however, don't eat large meals just before or after your visit.

A typical acupuncture therapy session lasts about an hour. At your first session, the practitioner will ask you about your lifestyle, health history, what symptoms of pain or discomfort you experience, and what you hope to accomplish through acupuncture therapy. The practitioner will come up with a treatment plan based on your individual needs.

Still concerned about those needles? Acupuncture needles are extremely thin. The sensation caused by needle insertion varies, but most people feel no pain at all. Once the needles are inserted, the practitioner will leave them in place for 20 to 30 minutes. Ultimately, the session length depends on the technique and desired results. I often feel so relaxed during a session that I fall asleep. It’s glorious.

As with any medicinal treatment, do your research. Find an acupuncturist who will best suit your needs and verify the practitioner’s training and credentials.

]]><![CDATA[Why Girls are Liars and Really Good Friends]]>Sat, 09 Mar 2013 17:17:04 GMThttp://www.beautyofbecoming.com/11/post/2013/03/why-girls-are-liars-and-really-good-friends.htmlPicture
By Rebecca Neelis
When I was little, I once told my new friend at school that my family owned horses. We didn’t. And I guess I never stopped to wonder what she would think when she finally came to my house and realized the truth; but I felt compelled to share this misinformation after she had mentioned that her grandparent’s lived on a farm. It didn’t end there. From slight exaggerations to bold-faced falsehoods, I couldn’t stop myself from lying nearly every day.

This lying stage was back during the stint when my family was religious, and while the guilt was never enough to actually prevent me from doing it, I was convinced there was something wrong with me and I’d vow to stop telling lies, only to casually mention to my neighbor the next day that I was going to the Olympics for figure skating.
Years later, during a gender communication course in college, I was relieved to learn that this tick is actually something most little girls do. Even though it may seem worrisome that a child is lying her face off, the intention is simple:  to increase similarity. Instead of one-upping each other like boys, girls seek ways to relate to each other in the hopes it will forge a connection between them, somehow intuitively grasping from a young age that like-minded people stick together.

Even though grown up women may not openly lie to one another, we do continue to draw on similarities in order to make friends. Listen to a conversation among girls talking and it goes something like, 

“I totally hate when that happens.” 
“Oh my God, me too!”
“Right?”
“I know!”

(The parody Shit Girls Say hilariously nails this on the head.)

Once they’ve established they’re friends, girls even dress alike. When I was 10, my friends Ashley, Brittney, and I all had identical bathing suits—blue with orange flowers—and we weren’t embarrassed to wear them together. They were like a badge honoring our friendship and sameness.

As grown ups, a group of girlfriends out at a bar is no different. It can be almost comical to see four or five college girls all struggling into multiple pairs of ill-fitting skinny jeans, or donning similarly revealing outfits in 30-degree weather. I mean, what are friends for if not to reinforce your stupid decisions and avoiding telling you the truth about your back fat?

This behavior may seem silly, but it’s actually reflective of a larger cultural theory called face negotiation, first proposed by Stella Ting-Toomey in 1985. “Face” refers to our self-image or self-worth, and its maintained and negotiated through communication. When there is a conflict, or face is threatened, culture dictates how to respond. 

People from collectivistic cultures are most concerned with group face, and therefore they usually adopt less direct conflict styles, valuing inclusion, acceptance, and cooperation above all. Conversely, people from an individualistic culture value autonomy, self-sufficiency, and have more direct styles of communication during conflict.

It's interesting then that while American culture is individualistic by nature, the cultural style of female gender tends toward collectivistic norms. This can be made evident in workplaces where women commonly disclose their mistakes to one another in order to increase inclusion and save group face. If you mess something up, and go to tell your female colleague, they’ll usually commiserate with you, sharing a time they did the same thing. 

Men, on the other hand, don't often engage in this type of communication. My boyfriend once told me a saying he learned in military recon training:  Rule Number One--Always look cool; Rule Number Two--Never get lost; Rule Number Three--If you get lost, refer to rule number one. Rather than save group face, its much more common for men to call others out on their mistakes and avoid sharing anything that may be perceived as a weakness in order to protect their self-image.

What does all this mean? It means girls are better than boys. No, not really. But we do fair a little better when it comes to collaborating and building relationships. Our efforts to strike common ground are indicative of our communal nature, developed over centuries of having to survive by relying on each other’s help.

Sometimes women are portrayed as vindictive and two-faced, and people often claim we’re not as good at being friends with one other as men are. Sure, in our worst moments we may gossip, backstab, or hold a grudge; but then again, I doubt many men could say they’ve known the simple joy of sitting with a best friend (in your matching faux-leather jackets) drinking some wine and sharing the most embarrassing things that happened to you that day. 

Right? I know.
]]><![CDATA[Homespun Creativity: How You Can Teach Yourself to Crochet ]]>Fri, 22 Feb 2013 23:29:10 GMThttp://www.beautyofbecoming.com/11/post/2013/02/homespun-creativity-how-you-can-teach-yourself-to-crochet.htmlBy Stephanie Liverani Picture
Necessity breeds creativity. Sure, this phrase can refer to desperate needs — like if you’re stranded on a deserted island and must find inventive ways to stay alive, so you fashion a ramshackle hut made from palm fronds and sticks. But, I also think it’s fair to say that creativity is a necessity in itself. I truly believe as human beings we need to create. It’s part of what defines us. Today, more than ever, we are finding ways to “do it ourselves.” Why pay $175 for a custom-built bookshelf when you can craft one yourself from recycled wine crates and proudly put your stamp of originality on it? 
Fortified by the inherent urge to create, I became obsessed with the ultimate crafter’s website, Etsy, about four years ago. My first purchase was a handmade crocheted cowl-neck scarf from a vendor featured on the site. It was beautifully made, yet seemed so simply done. I decided then and there I was going to master this skill. 

I started by purchasing some thick yarn and a larger-gauge crochet hook; that’s your best bet if you’re just starting out. Bulkier yarn knits up quickly and clearly shows your mistakes so you know if you’re on the right track. I experimented on my own for a while — but, truth be told, my first “creation” was essentially a knotted monstrosity that more closely resembled the matted hair of an old Cabbage Patch doll than anything wearable. It was disappointing. 

I knew I needed direction. I learn best by watching demos and then diving in on my own, so YouTube was a great resource for me. I found a wealth of video tutorials on the channel for WEBS – America’s Yarn Store. I started with the basics — learning the chain stitch, single and double crochet stiches. These stitches are the foundation for any crochet project. Learning these stiches alone provided a broad enough skillset for me to create my first scarf. 
WEBS also offers free patterns for all sorts of crochet and knitting projects on their website that range from beginner to advanced. Oh, and did I mention the yarn selection in their online store is endlessly amazing? It’s a great one-stop shop for crochet and knitting enthusiasts, rookies, and seasoned pros.

I made the commitment to myself to practice crocheting every day, and, eventually, the act of crocheting became a kind of meditative experience for me. I’ve found that it’s a great way to unwind after a tough workday. Before I knew it, I was cranking out my very own crocheted scarves on a weekly basis. I even parlayed my hobby into a little side business and have sold several of my scarves to interested patrons and a local boutique in my neighborhood.

Crocheting may be a very humble technique — the fundamentals are straightforward without any bells and whistles — but it’s a technique capable of yielding very sophisticated results. It’s remarkable what can be achieved with some beautiful yarn, a crochet hook, and a little inspiration.
 

Want to purchase one of Stephanie's creations? Shoot her an email!
]]><![CDATA[The True “Trial” of My Twenties:  Anticipation ]]>Fri, 22 Feb 2013 23:13:29 GMThttp://www.beautyofbecoming.com/11/post/2013/02/the-true-trial-of-my-twenties-anticipation.htmlPicture
  By Rebecca Neelis
I just completed my second BootCamp through CorePower Yoga. Two weeks of strength-training and cardio circuits, fitting in second workouts, and keeping a food journal. A year ago, I would have cringed at that sentence, but I’m actually a little addicted to the intensity of it now. 

I like the motivation of being surrounded by a roomful of other girls and coaches, and my daily walks are kind of a bore in comparison to dance-party circuits; but most of all, I’ve missed the feeling of being held accountable and witnessing the direct results of my effort take shape before my eyes. Basically, I miss having real work to do.
Like most people, I suspect, when I held my old job, I longed for more free time, and now that I’ve been without one for a while, I desperately miss the structure and sense of purpose it provided me. I have to remind myself what a luxury it is to have time for yoga in the middle of the afternoon, or to spend leisurely mornings with a cup of coffee on the couch, rather than stuck in rush hour cursing all of humanity. But, honestly, I just don’t care because I’m crawling out of my skin!

This phase in my life seems perpetually marked by anticipation, which is more apparent now than ever as I sit here alone in my new apartment, waiting on my boyfriend to return from a month-long business trip, waiting for employers to respond to my job applications, and even waiting for that imperceptible shift when you’ve finally come to regard a place as home. 

But while I’m taking pains to meet people, volunteer, network, and set up our apartment, I’m not seeing a fast enough return on my investments prompting me to constantly whine, “when will things start to happen for me!?” Followed by everyone’s answer: “just keep doing what you’re doing…” Annoying, but I know it to be true.

In some sense, I feel like I’ve been struggling with this “waiting” through most of my twenties. This time period is fraught with uncertainty as you enter the workforce, date, find the person you think you’ll marry, break up with that person, grow out of friendships, meet your actual person, and move in and out of apartments. 

In all of this change, it’s difficult not to get caught up in the idea that once you have more money, a boyfriend, a better job, get married, or have kids, everything will beautifully coalesce; all of your dreams, talents, and abilities will be brought into a single focus. Then your life will really begin.

But more and more I realize there’s no beginning or ending in where you find yourself; it’s a continual journey marked by the process rather than the result. So I think I’m finally old enough to let go of that illusion and accept these transitional phases with a little more grace and fortitude, rather than kicking and screaming.

During this stagnant period of time, while I may struggle, I’d like to harness the quiet determination and strength of character I brought out in BootCamp: breathing through the difficult moments, seeking joy in the energy of others, and celebrating the small, but powerful strides I make every day, even when I can’t always see the bigger outcome yet.

My twenties may have held the challenge of waiting for things to come to fruition, but while it appears dormant on the surface, I have to believe all the seeds I’ve planted are going to eventually take root and rise up….hopefully just not all at once.
]]><![CDATA[Discover Your Passion & Change Your Life]]>Sat, 16 Feb 2013 18:20:42 GMThttp://www.beautyofbecoming.com/11/post/2013/02/discover-your-passion-change-your-life.htmlBy Maribeth Neelis Picture
Life is all about energy--what fuels you and what depletes you. Flow is a mental state in which a person is fully immersed in a feeling of energized focus. It is frequently achieved by pursuing a passion whether hitting the slopes or banging out mathematical equations. 

Mihaly Csikzentmihalyi, author of Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience, describes it as, “being completely involved in an activity for its own sake.  The ego falls away.  Time flies.  Every action, movement and thought follows inevitably from the previous one, like playing jazz.  Your whole being is involved, and you’re using your skills to the utmost.”

Some people can immediately tell you what they love doing, the activity that fills them with energy and joy. Others have not yet discovered their passion, so say things like “I’m just not passionate about anything.” or “I don’t have any talents or abilities.”
According to Sir Ken Robinson, a leading thinker and speaker on talent, self-fulfillment and education, that is categorically untrue. He believes we are all born with deep talents and abilities. And the most distinctive feature of human life is the power of imagination. But this ability to dream and imagine often gets unintentionally stifled by our educational systems, our parents and society in general. 

As a result, many people only tolerate their lives; they endure them doing things they don’t care for to get through each day, each week waiting for the weekend or a vacation.

Robinson says, to be in your element, doing something you love for which you have some capacity, connects you with your true energy. Your life will take on a different, unexpected course. Opportunities that did not formerly exist will present themselves.

This is sort of frustrating to hear, if you haven't yet discovered what that "something" is. But it is possible to uncover a hidden passion and realize long forgotten talents, but it is a complex and personal journey. And though it is not always obvious or easy, it’s a very worthwhile endeavor. 

Here’s some advice from leading experts in the field to get you started.

Change Your Way of Thinking
Paul Graham, programmer, venture capitalist and essasyist describes the dichotomy between work and play that is introduced to us as children. Time was clearly marked either school or play. We watched our parents grind through the week's work, errands and chores to get to the weekend. Many of us still believe work is supposed to be negative and tedious. If it does not have these qualities, it must not be valuable.

Despite this connotation, Graham explains why the majority of people pretend to like what they do.
"Why is it conventional to pretend to like what you do? … If you have to like something to do it well, then the most successful people will all like what they do. That's where the upper-middle class tradition comes from. Just as houses all over America are full of chairs that are, without the owners even knowing it, nth-degree imitations of chairs designed 250 years ago for French kings, conventional attitudes about work are, without the owners even knowing it, nth-degree imitations of the attitudes of people who've done great things."
Finding work you love is difficult, which is why so few people have. But the first step is to admit to yourself, if you are not content.

Do Stuff
Discovering a passion or realizing a talent likely won’t be some epiphanous event. It requires a concerted effort and activity. It demands attention.

One of my favorite writers and literary icon Susan Sontag said:
“Do stuff. Be clenched, curious. Not waiting for inspiration’s shove or society’s kiss on your forehead. Pay attention. It’s all about paying attention. Attention is vitality. It connects you with others. It makes you eager. Stay eager.” 
According to both Graham and Sontag, constant production is an excellent method for finding work you love. Graham explains if you are always producing some kind of work, whether it’s original desert recipes, poems or knitted mittens, it will push you away from things you feel you are supposed to work on and toward the things you love to work on.

In his essay How to Do What You Love, Graham writes,
"Always produce" will discover your life's work the way water, with the aid of gravity, finds the hole in your roof.”
Dream Big
Life coach and author Martha Beck advocates for setting “wildly improbable goals.”  These seemingly nonsensical thoughts and dreams lurk in the recesses of our minds flickering into consciousness, or they may arrive as sudden illuminating bursts. She encourages her clients to embrace those often unrealistic ambitions rather than shrug them off.

She believes when you accept your wildly improbable goal as a possibility, you will begin to see your world differently. New opportunities will emerge and lead you down new paths. According to Beck allowing yourself to consider your most unlikely dreams has a unique power to lift you beyond your preconceived limitations.

Exercises To Discover Your Passion

Time Travel
Sit in a quiet, comfortable spot and close your eyes. Imagine you run into a wise and happy person--yourself 10 years from now. Ask this mentor about herself. Where does she live? What does she do for a living? What advice does she have for you?

Alternately, you can imagine waking up 10 or 15 years from now. How old are you? How old are your children? Where do you live? Rather than actively create the scenario, just allow yourself to inhabit this time and see what comes to you. 

The first time you try this visualization, you may not see anything or get any profound insight. But this is an exercise for your brain to help expand your perception and begin to consider alternate paths.

Walk Down Memory Lane
What did you love to do as a child--play sports, make believe, create art? As children, we often become obsessed with things that we would deem unpractical as adults. Make a list of all the activities, foods, books and movies you loved and specifically how they made you feel. 

Now revisit some of the things you listed. Did you love painting? Find an art class. Did you enjoy building forts. Try your hand at building a shelf or table. In doing these activities as an adult, you may start to see possibilities for how they can be integrated into your life now.

Make a Collage
On a piece of poster board, an empty wall or a Pinterest board, collect images, quotes, poems and articles that inspire you. Do not start with any specific theme or topic in mind, just gather things that speak to you. As your board evolves, it will become more focused and you will begin to see a theme materialize. 

Make a List
It can be intimidating to look at the lives of people who have accomplished everything that you desire. But we can learn a lot from these folks who have successfully accomplished what we only fantasize about. 

Find three to five people who have realized goals that you share, and study them. If they are famous, research them online. If they are an acquaintance or friend, ask them to coffee and interview them about their life. Initially, this may feel unnatural or awkward, but people will be flattered you want to know about them, and share invaluable ideas and advice. 

Question & Answer
Often our initial response is to feel that we have nothing special to offer--no unique talents, skills or activities we enjoy. We have been telling ourselves that for so long, we are unable to see ourselves any differently.

Answer the following questions:
  1. What are you good at or have a natural aptitude for and enjoy. Forget the activities  you excel at but hate. List everything you can think of, even the ridiculous.
  2. What are the  things you like doing but don’t think you’re that good at?  
  3. What do people complement you on? Perhaps it is something you have dismissed or rejected.
  4. What makes you annoyed or jealous?  Are there people doing things that seem “frivolous” and annoy you? Take a closer look at that annoyance. 
  5. When do you lose track of time, or what do you hate to stop doing?

Take a look at your answers and note any developing themes. The answer may not present itself immediately. But this quest to find your passion will likely have many phases and steps.

Final Thoughts
  • While you should have some aptitude for your passion (it will make doing it more enjoyable), you don't need to be amazingly talented at it. If you love to do it, you will improve with time.
  • Don’t be concerned if what you discover seems silly or impractical. Those passions can be the most fun to pursue and explore.
  • Don't worry if you cannot yet conceive how you would monetize it. That part will come.
  • Once you figure out what you enjoy doing, it’s important to just begin doing it, meeting other people who do it and learning about it. In this process, doors will begin to open and situations present themselves that never would have otherwise.


REFERENCES
Robinson, K. (2009). The element: How finding your passion changes everything. London: Penguin Books.

Csikzentmihalyi, M. (2008). Flow: The psychology of the optimal experience. New York, New York: Harper
http://www.paulgraham.com/love.html
http://www.oprah.com/spirit/Wildly-Improbable-Goals
]]><![CDATA[Find Connection Through Vulnerability]]>Sat, 02 Feb 2013 18:37:07 GMThttp://www.beautyofbecoming.com/11/post/2013/02/find-connection-through-vulnerability.htmlBy Maribeth Neelis Picture
Our imperfections, flaws and failures connect us as humans. When we can embrace, rather than strive to overcome them, we grow closer to ourselves and the people around us. We have increased clarity about who we are and what gives our lives purpose. 

Yet most of us struggle with the concept of vulnerability. We attempt to numb it with substances and activities. We ignore and stifle it. And in doing so, we deaden other emotions--joy, happiness, empathy. We struggle to deeply connect with our family and friends. We feel empty and devoid of meaning, which makes us feel vulnerable. And so it goes.
Brene Brown, Ph.D. is a researcher-professor who has endlessly studied our human need for connection and belonging and the role of vulnerability in that endeavor.

Through her research, she found people who have the greatest sense of love and belonging also share something else: worthiness. These people feel they are worthy of love and belonging, despite their flaws. 

They also all possess three characteristics--courage, compassion and connection. She describes courage not as bravery, but as telling the story of who you are with your whole heart.
“These folks had the courage to be imperfect, the compassion to be kind to themselves first and then to others. Because as it turns out, we can’t practice compassion with other people, if we can’t treat ourselves kindly. And the last thing they had was connection, and this was the hard part, as a result of authenticity. They were willing to let go of who they thought they should be to be who they were, which you have to absolutely do for connection.” 
But to fully embrace imperfections and vulnerability and be who you are, not who you believe you should be, is difficult. After all, vulnerability is the source of shame, fear and heartbreak. But it is also the birthplace of joy, creativity and a deeper sense of love and belonging.

Brown conducted countless interviews with people willing to fully embrace vulnerability, who believe that what makes you vulnerable makes you beautiful. They described vulnerability as neither comfortable nor excruciating, just something fundamental to living an authentic life.

Embracing vulnerability means openly being our authentic, imperfect selves, even if it could lead to rejection, risking something when there are no guarantees, and breathing through difficult moments.

The experiences in which we feel most vulnerable are the ones with the greatest potential. Often our greatest work comes from our greatest challenge. 

Pulitzer Prize winner Richard Ford is severely dyslexic. He struggled to read throughout his entire life, and still reads very slowly. He says he embraced this imperfection. Reading slowly caused him to see and appreciate the nuances of language others glance over.

Vulnerability also means admitting and accepting our shortcomings, which allows us to consider different paths. Discovering we aren’t good at something or that the choices we've made no longer fit is not a failure. It is an opportunity to re-examine our lives and explore other options.

We love a neatly packaged story. We seek definitive answers about next steps to take to accomplish desired outcomes. Even if we realize we're unsuited for what we've chosen, we push on, ignoring our instincts. 

We tell ourselves that it wouldn’t make sense to start over or try something different. We went to school to be an engineer, a computer programmer, a graphic designer, so that is what we are supposed to do with our lives.

But it's brave, and often beneficial to change our direction. 

Richard Sera is a famous sculptor who grew up believing he was a painter. It is all he ever wanted to be. While working in Florence he traveled to Madrid to see a painting by Diego Velázquez called Las Meninas. As he stood staring at the image of Velázquez, who painted himself into most of his work, he realized he would never be that good; he was not meant to be a painter. 

Having an artistic temperament, he immediately went home and threw all his painting supplies and artwork into a nearby river and began exploring other mediums. Dramatic, yes. But by letting go, he was able to reassess his calling and become a prolific modern artist.

If we allow ourselves to be vulnerable, to let ourselves be seen for who we really are, to practice gratitude and joy in moments of turmoil and insecurity, we will find meaning in our lives and feel more deeply connected to our friends and family.

To be vulnerable is to be alive. It is a positive thing.


REFERENCES
Brown, B. (2012). Daring greatly: How the courage to be vulnerable transforms the way we live, love, parent, and lead. New York, NY: Gotham.
]]><![CDATA[Confessions of a Bubblehead]]>Thu, 31 Jan 2013 23:59:48 GMThttp://www.beautyofbecoming.com/11/post/2013/01/confessions-of-a-bubblehead.htmlBy Maribeth Neelis Picture
When we started Beauty of Becoming, we did so to celebrate the endless process of becoming—the triumphs along with the struggles and failures. Self-improvement can have a negative connotation. Why would you need to change or improve if you were happy with yourself, right? We disagree. 

Beauty of Becoming is about enjoying the journey of living and the process of growing and becoming the absolute best version of you. But we also want to pay homage to our imperfections and create a space that encourages hoping and dreaming as well as accepting and loving ourselves.

A breakthrough that has made me more comfortable in my skin and infinitely happier is finally learning to accept my flaws as essential pieces of myself. 
In 10th grade, my art teacher, Mrs. Rolland, called me a bubblehead to some kids in another class. I was completely insulted and a little hurt by the comment.  True to form, my friend Christa came to my defense boldly walking up to Mrs. Rolland and insisting she apologize, which she did, awkwardly.

Since then, I've been called some permutation of bubblehead more times that I can count… airhead, space cadet, ditsy, capricious, forgetful, flaky  scattered, messy, impulsive. These qualities make me fun at parties and rather inclined to cut my own bangs and take impromptu road trips. But they aren't exactly the makings of an upstanding young woman. Or so I've been told.

Certain qualities are valued by our society: organized, responsible, reliable, and consistent. These are great characteristics to naturally possess, but I can only claim a modicum of each.

Regardless, when called a bubblehead (or some variation), I always responded the same: indignation followed by defensive attempts to reverse the opinion of my critic. But alas, you cannot influence or change anyone’s opinion of you.

It took me 30 years to accept that, to some, I am a bubblehead. And, more importantly, there is  truth to that assessment.

to wit:
One time, I inadvertently ordered a 42-inch flat screen TV from Amazon. We were relaxing in the living room when it arrived. At first, I was excited thinking someone bought me a gift. But it quickly became evident that I had somehow purchased this item without my knowledge.

Another time, I lost my entire set of keys—keys to every important locked item in my life. After searching for days, I came to the conclusion the mailman had likely stolen them from a table on the front porch. Or that’s what I informed the tow truck driver when he came by to haul my car out of the garage to the dealership to get re-keyed. (I had lost the original years earlier and never gotten another spare.)

Currently the contents of my purse include a Phillips head screwdriver, some pennies stuck to a lint roller, a book, three magazines, an orange, a tube of toothpaste, and tea, among (many) other things.
Picture
I pretty much always have white tufts of cat fur clinging to my clothes and jackets, despite that I carry a lint roller. You can usually find some sort of snack stashed in most of my jacket and sweatshirt pockets--candy or pretzels, sometimes Wasabi peas, which can get pretty messy.

Yesterday, I found a frozen Christmas cookie under the seat of my car, which I have not cleaned since July.

Fine Mrs. Rolland; you win. I am a disheveled, disorganized bubblehead. 

And you know what, when I finally just accepted that about myself and quit taking offense to every joke made to that effect, I felt unburdened. I could quit faking it. Clearly no one was buying my charade anyhow. Despite my relentless attempts to refute it, I have always known this about myself, and for years it made me feel awful.

It’s not that I've stopped trying to arrive on time or remember people’s birthdays, or occasionally clean out my car. But accepting this reality and no longer viewing it as some damning flaw that I must disprove has been liberating. 

It's easier to ask for help when I need it, and I don't expend energy being insulted, so I'm able to focus on cultivating the traits I lack. And it's much less stressful to laugh at my propensity to stockpile garbage in my car, make spontaneous decisions and unintentionally purchase big ticket electronics than be embarrassed about it. 

Above all, I am no longer fazed when someone else labels me. 

What things about yourself do you struggle to accept? How would your life change, if you just say yes, I am a bubblehead (or, you fill in the flaw.) 
]]><![CDATA[Create Space & Time to Focus Inward]]>Sat, 26 Jan 2013 17:39:07 GMThttp://www.beautyofbecoming.com/11/post/2013/01/create-space-time-to-focus-inward.htmlPicture
It's not always easy to take time for yourself, to focus on how you feel physically and mentally. It feels self indulgent or self-pitying to spend too much time assessing our emotional states or our body's aches and pains. And so many of us incorrectly believe, acknowledging physical or emotional discomfort makes it worse or that it indicates a lack of fortitude.
Like so many, I hurry through my days trying to get more done than there is time to do. I am always multi-tasking and planning ahead to my next assignment. My ever-expanding to-do list creeps into my thoughts before I even open my eyes, maybe to help induce enough anxiety to propel me out of bed.

When we experience stress (a racing heart, a stomach flip, a persistent anxiety), our bodies are producing the toxic hormones cortisol and epinephrine. They do have a purpose, just not necessarily a place in our daily lives. Cortisol and epinephrine give us a quick burst of energy for survival reasons, heightened memory functions and a lower sensitivity to pain.

The trouble is when they are present in our bodies for prolonged periods, these hormones can wreak all kinds of havoc from impaired cognitive function to decreased bone density. They cause inflammation, which has been linked to many diseases, including cancer, and they suppress our immune systems.

And the unfortunate truth is so many of us experience stress on a daily basis for all sorts of reasons—our jobs, families, the pressure we place on ourselves to succeed. And frankly, knowing how bad stress is for me kind of stresses me out.

Recently, a rotator cuff injury from years ago flared back up. It makes it hard to complete simple activities, like getting dressed or brushing my hair. It reminds me how grateful I am for two working arms (when I have two working arms.) And it made me realize I need to take better care of myself. Ultimately, I am the only person responsible for my health and wellbeing; no doctor, parent or significant other can do this for me.  This got me thinking about how I can do a better job.

Slow Down
Other cultures view time as cyclical, moving in great circles. In the western world, we think of time as linear. It’s finite. Time is money. Time is scarce. And we are rushing to do more with less. But this takes a toll on our health, our relationships and our work.

It is difficult to intentionally slow down, make the bed slowly, chop vegetables slowly, drive to work slowly. Initially, I felt like I was feigning  composure while some over-caffeniated maniac trapped in my head jumped up and down, waving her arms, telling me to pick up the pace. It took practice, but after a week or so of consciously slowing down, I felt calmer on the inside too. I was able to reflect on my actions rather than just mindlessly carrying them out.

Express Your Needs
We live in a "do it yourself," "pull yourself up by the bootstraps" society, which makes asking for help difficult and humbling. In the past, admitting I can't do this alone made me feel weak. I felt guilty for inconveniencing someone else with my problems. 

Then I decided to sell my car on my own. I posted information and pictures on Craigslist and patiently awaited a response. When the first person called me, she asked, 

"Can you tell me about the tires?" 

"Umm, they are just regular tires, just car tires, you know. They don't have holes in them or anything. They are good. Good tires."

Yeah, she didn't buy the car. And I had to concede I know nothing about cars or tires, nor do I want to, and I needed help selling it. 

It's important to have people in your life you can lean on, and then it's important to actually turn to them and ask for help when you need it. They rarely disappoint.

Face Your Feelings
Emotions are peculiar, so often masquerading as something else. Sadness comes cloaked as aggression. Disappointment shows up as rage. We try to “get over it.” We drink a glass of wine or eat a bowl of ice cream. And the feeling lingers, or it temporarily fades away only to return at an inopportune time. 

The other week was a stressful one at work. We had an all-company retreat and I got to present my strategic marketing plan to the board. It was exciting! I skipped the gym and yoga to work late and finish it.  It went well, and everyone was complementary and enthusiastic about it.

The next day, my boss, who tends to be a bit critical, came to my office to tell me great job....But, at times it seemed like I was reading from my notes and I used certain words too often. Usually, comments like these, especially from him, wouldn't faze me. But I was exhausted and had not properly dealt with the build up of stress from the past week.

So instead of saying, thanks for the feedback through a fake smile like usual, I burst into tears, the really embarrassing kind that prevent you from breathing or speaking normally. Looking back, I have to laugh at my reaction and his. He stammered something, threw a box of tissue at me and hurried out of my office, and he has been praising me for every inane thing ever since. 

But lesson learned. I ignored how I was feeling. I passed up on activities that are good for me and alleviate stress, and,  as a result, I was hi-jacked by my emotions. 

Listen To Your Body
When we were kids, Dr. Chang was our pediatrician. He practiced some eastern/western medicine combo. Whenever we suffered any sort of congestion, he would use an acupressure technique pinching the skin between our eyebrows with his index and middle fingers, marring  us for days with a purple-ish bruise. 

I jokingly blame him for my aversion to doctors, even though, I have to admit, his approach worked. I avoid the doctor until the situation is severe, the walking with a limp, white spots on my tongue, bleeding profusely, kind of severity.

I will push through a workout despite the pain and then hobble around the house for the next week. The re-emergence of my rotator cuff affliction has forced me to listen to my body. When it hurts more or less, I have to think about what I did differently. I have to wake up earlier to stretch before work and force myself to sleep on my back. And I had to do what I dread most, make a doctor's appointment.

It's our tendency to keep moving and doing without thinking about why and whether it serves our values. We feel guilty for taking time to just be, to sit quietly and think, to do nothing. 

I have found that when I carve out time and space for myself to just be, when I slow down and interact with my world more purposefully,  sit with my emotions and listen to what my body is telling me, I feel more relaxed and equipped to handle the obstacles and issues I face. When I take care of myself, I am better able to care for the other people in my life and be empathetic to their needs.
]]><![CDATA[Harness Your Intuitive Nature]]>Mon, 07 Jan 2013 22:11:50 GMThttp://www.beautyofbecoming.com/11/post/2013/01/harness-your-intuitive-nature.htmlBy Rebecca Neelis Picture
"The hummingbird shows us how to re-visit the past for the purpose of releasing it instead of being caught in a permanently backward flight pattern. It also helps us to see that if we step aside we may view our life differently. The hummingbird teaches us to transcend time, to recognize that what has happened in the past and what might happen in the future is not nearly as important as what we are experiencing now. It teaches us to hover in the moment, to appreciate its sweetness." 
                                                                             -Constance Barrett Sohodski
While it holds the title as the smallest warm-blooded creature on the planet, the hummingbird is also among the fastest with tiny wings that beat up to 200 times per second. It has the ability to fly backward, sideways, upside down, or stay poised perfectly still in air. Despite its size, it travels vast distances; different species of hummingbirds cross oceans, mountains, and deserts during their yearly migratory pattern.

Perhaps these remarkable characteristics are why so many cultures in the western world assign hummingbird’s powerful spiritual significance. In the high Andes of South America, the hummingbird is seen as a symbol of the soul, following its expansive migratory pattern, it demonstrates courage and wisdom in the infinite intelligence guiding its path. Shamans believe the hummingbird teaches us to laugh and appreciate the magic of being alive, reveling in the simply beauty we find each day. 

Faced with the immensity of our own personal journeys this year, how can we emulate the qualities of the hummingbird toward greater trust in ourselves? 

Whether embarking on the first or the hundredth step of positive self-transformation, we are all continually learning to examine ourselves honestly and determine how to compassionately work with wherever we are at in this moment.  It can be difficult to do this without inviting stress into our lives. Often times, we cannot look at ourselves without harsh judgment—perhaps we feel anxious about our future, or disappointed in our past. We tell ourselves stories to support these thoughts and they hold us back.

While we can’t always change the external factors in our lives, we can learn to change our perception of them. What this comes down to is listening to oneself and developing the intuitive intelligence to know not only how you tend to respond in a situation, but also how you can learn to make that internal shift to rise above your personal triggers and reactive behavior.

In his book, Journey into Power, Baron Baptiste discusses the concept of challenging yourself in this way by playing at your edge, or the place where transformative opportunity lies. We all have an inner comfort zone, which is often dictated by ego; however, when we make a point to become familiar with our limiting beliefs, it becomes easier to trust our instincts and go beyond our edge. This doesn’t mean pushing yourself to perfection. Sometimes it may even mean learning to do less, and simply being more tolerant, patient, and compassionate toward ourselves.

A Couple Ways to Increase Intuitive Intelligence:

Think Less and Be More.
Analysis paralysis is a side effect of too much ego running the show. People often believe they can control a situation by rooting down in intellect and thinking through every possible outcome.  In fact, we’re far more likely to increase the chances of a negative occurrence by focusing in on it for extended periods of time. When you find yourself thinking too hard on the “how” part of getting something accomplished, it’s important to realize you can’t control everything. Instead, take a deep breath, let go mentally, and allow the supportive force in the universe to step up.

Recognize Your Reactions.
You don’t really have experiences in life, you have reactions to experiences. Over the course of a day, you get annoyed by traffic, worried about a meeting, or angry at a friend. We do this by reflex. When we experience stress like this, it triggers our flight or fight response. But rather than fight or run, a third option is to simply stay and breathe. By learning to pause and recognize yourself getting hooked as it happens, you can begin to create a gap between experience and automatic response. Eventually this practice allows you to gain perspective and insight into yourself, which you can use to transcend stress instead of simply managing it.

Open to Discomfort
Enlightenment happens in the place where we are uncomfortable. As humans, our initial reaction to negative feelings is to either squelch or justify them. According to Buddhist teachings, our wisdom and confusion are so tightly entwined, it's impossible to eradicate one  without the other. Everything within us is creative energy, especially our strongest emotions; they are filled with life force and knowledge. Transformation and strength come from a willingness to sit with the discomfort those feelings bring, get to know and understand their roots and purpose. See what they can teach you about yourself.

Be Friends with Yourself...Then Forget Yourself
According to Pema Chödrön, we might think that knowing ourselves is a very ego-centered thing, but by beginning to look clearly and honestly at ourselves, we begin to dissolve the walls that separate us from others and the world.There is a Tibetan teaching that says "self-cherishing is the root of all suffering." This doesn't mean that we shouldn't respect and love ourselves. It's actually the opposite. When we truly get to know and accept ourselves, in essence befriend ourselves, we can stop being so self-obsessed. We can stop trying to protect ourselves from pain and discomfort. We put up walls and make generalizations about people and ideas based on our fixation to thwart an negative feeling that might upset us. 

Getting to deeply understand and accept yourself is the first step along your journey to living an authentic, meaningful life. Learn to be your best friend, and there is no limit to what you will do in your life.


References
Baptiste, B. (2003). Journey into Power. Fireside: New York.
Chödrön, P. (2005).When things fall apart. Shambala Publications: Boston.
]]><![CDATA[Find Balance Through Simplicity]]>Fri, 21 Dec 2012 22:06:52 GMThttp://www.beautyofbecoming.com/11/post/2012/12/find-balance-through-simplicity.htmlBy Maribeth Neelis Picture
Think back to your high school Biology class and the concept of homeostasis— when the internal conditions of living organisms remain stable (within a normal range), regardless of what is occurring in the external environment. These internal conditions include body temperature, pH level, and glucose level. If you remember, illness occurs when your body is unable to achieve homeostasis. It’s the reason you get a fever when you're fighting off the flu. 
There is also psychological homeostasis. External factors, like stress and lack of sleep and exercise can cause instability. Our lives our fraught with things that threaten our mental balance and clarity; and there are just as many tools and techniques to restore it, like exercise, meditation, massage therapy.

But one of the most straightforward ways to attain and maintain life balance is to cultivate simplicity. In our hearts, we know that simplicity is healthier than complexity. But for most people acting on this belief proves difficult, as we battle our western culture’s tendency toward chaos, complexity and clutter. 

Remind yourself why you need to simplify your life.
  • Happiness is not found in owning more. Instead, happiness is found in the pursuit of our lasting passions.
  • Possessions burden us, often far more than we realize. The heart desperately longs for freedom and the opportunity to be tied to things of true value.
  • Nobody lives their life for the purpose of accruing large amounts of personal debt. Simplicity provides fiscal freedom.
  • Money, time, energy, focus, and love are finite resources. Therefore, we must make intentional decisions about where they are allocated. 
  • We desire to find love, meaning, and live our lives for something greater than ourselves. In this way, simplicity paves the way for our heart to accomplish its greatest desires.

What Simplicity Looks Like
Naturally, simplicity will manifest differently in each person’s life, based on what they find most meaningful. But there are some common themes. 

Fewer possessions
Throughout our lives, we accumulate possessions until we’re overwhelmed by them. We are influenced by advertising and our society to continuously acquire more, but we never establish a system for purging the clutter.

Fewer commitments
Generally, saying yes to life is a positive thing. But we tend to collect commitments the same way we do possessions, until eventually we have no time for the things and people that matter most. For many of us, saying no makes us feel lazy or irresponsible. But, remember time is a finite resource; use it accordingly.

More idle time
For many of us perpetual movement has become second nature. We cannot sit quietly without the distraction of television or music. We feel guilty we are not checking things off our to-do lists, and we become anxious and restless. A simpler life means allowing yourself the time and mental space for solitude and quiet reflection.

How to Get Started
Generally, a simpler life means fewer distractions and less clutter and more space and time for what matters most to you. But the path to simplicity isn't always clear. Many of us yearn for a less arduous life, but don’t know where to begin.  

Make some decisions, and then focus.
Make a list of five things that are essential to your happiness.  Five is not very many, so spend time just thinking about this prior to making your list.  Think big picture: what do you love doing most? When are you happiest—spending time with family, exercising, learning something new?

Now make another list of everything in your life. What does not make the cut? Probably quite a bit.  The next step is to start eliminating the commitments and activities that do not coincide with what is on your short list. You can do the same thing for your professional life by selecting what projects and goals are the most crucial for the next year. 

Making a list is one thing. The hard part is actively eliminating. The items you need to bump usually fall into three categories: obligations and commitments, your daily tasks and what comes into your life. Start slow; take 10 minutes during a quiet part of your day to make a phone call or send an email letting someone know you can no longer serve on this committee or that board, coach this team or play on that one. 

If you choose to simplify your daily tasks, remove the things from your to-do list that don’t support your top five. Sometimes this requires you to rethink activities you've always done, like getting a weekly manicure, or making cookies for all of your co-workers every Christmas.  Simplify what comes into your life by trimming your blog reading list, unsubscribing from a magazine, or spending less time each day on social media sites.  

Once you have eliminated these diversions, you need to recommit to this each day. When new activities present themselves, ask yourself, does this align with my top five. If not, say no.

Clear out the clutter.
Anyone who has seen Hoarders, has balked at the amount of useless junk that people stockpile. And what’s even more off-putting is how attached they become to it.  But we all engage in that type of behavior to some degree, though on a less dramatic scale. 

Physical clutter can be overwhelming, and it is inexplicably difficult to say goodbye to certain inanimate objects. So clutter removal takes callous precision.  Pick one small area to start. Maybe it’s your closet or shelves in your home, desk drawers at work, or your car. Begin by clearing the entire area and piling up its contents. 

Now sort through the pile quickly, making three smaller piles: stuff you use and love, stuff you can donate, and trash. The key is to sort quickly and ruthlessly—everything should go in one of the three piles. Don’t leave yourself time to contemplate the sentimental value of an old t-shirt or supplies for a craft project you have been planning to do for years. Throw the trash away, put the donations into a box to drop off to a charity, and put everything else away neatly where it belongs. Everything should have a permanent place; the back of a chair doesn't count. 

Continue this process throughout your home, office and vehicle. It’s not necessary to do it all at once; spend 20 minutes each day tackling another space.

Cherish the moments.
Cleaning and organizing are mindfulness practices. They are not chores you should dread, nor ways to strive for a perfect living environment, but ways to practice living in the present moment. When you think of it that way, you will find they quell anxiety and nervousness and will become the parts of your day you anticipate.

To practice this, avoid judgment (I am so disorganized!); wishing things were different (why can’t people help out more?); future thinking (I have so much to do today); or dwelling on the past (My partner really upset me this morning.) When you (inevitably) fall into this kind of thinking, notice it, and then return to the task at hand.  

As you fold your laundry, notice the pile of rumpled clothes. Feel each garment in your hands as you smooth and fold it. Notice the pile gradually becoming smaller and more orderly. Feel the tension in your shoulders and relax them. Become aware of your breath moving in and out of your lungs. This is practice for a mindful life. And it is life occurring all around you. Putting things away mindfully is just as full of wonder as any other moment in life, if you learn to watch and listen and pay attention.

The Principles of a Simple Life
Like most worthwhile endeavors, simplicity takes time and dedication. It takes continuous awareness and forces you to make sometimes difficult choices about how you will spend your time, money and attention.  It is not something you will achieve all at once right this moment. It is partially about the process. And it's important to note, there are different types of simplicity and many facets of life that can be simplified. 

Essentially, simplicity is about finding balance in your life, so that you have time and energy for the things and people that make you happy. So try out some of these tips and see what fits best for you, without being critical of yourself. 

Here are some general principles to help you on your individual path toward cultivating a simpler lifestyle.
  • Begin right now.
  • Tomorrow, do it again.
  • Clean as you go.
  • Ensure everything has a place.
  • Keep flat surfaces clear of clutter.
  • Adopt changes gradually.
  • Treat your possessions with care.
  • Be gentle with the people in your life.
  • Join a community of like-minded people (in your neighborhood or online).
  • Continually assess.
  • Choose the essential.


REFERENCES
Becker, J. (2011). Simplify.
Maeda, J. (2006). The laws of simplicity. The MIT Press.





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